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1 day to go. And I'm hopeless.
" It's over... "
All the time, that was the only thing that ran through my mind. I guess, it really is over. From the looks of everything I just saw a while ago, I have no chance. I'm hopeless.
So yesterday, on my post, I said I would tell you what happened. It really breaks me to tell you all of this. But it is my choice to tell it to you since I really need to pour my emotions somewhere where he can't see.
So yesterday, on my post, I said I would tell you what happened. It really breaks me to tell you all of this. But it is my choice to tell it to you since I really need to pour my emotions somewhere where he can't see.
So here is my story. I said yesterday that something would definitely happen today. And something did happen. A lot of things did happen. I also said that I would stalk them, just to get an idea on what is going on. I did. And I wished that I just didn't. At around 12:30 in the afternoon, me and my friend went to Kostka when we finished buying this large float and fries from McDonalds. On our way to our room, God gave me this sign again. I met him. With his friends. Now let me tell you. Meeting them that early is a very rare happening. Because most of the time, they arrive 3-5 minutes late. When I saw him, my knees almost bucked, but I knew I couldn't give in just yet. Not with him in front of my face. So I continued walking and when we're out of sight, I acted like how a fan girl should act when her idol shook her hand. Anyway, let's jump to the unimportant parts. The most important is the dismissal.
When dismissal came, everybody stood up. EXCEPT him and his friends, and the girls that I hate to the point that I hate them more that peas+cockroach+straight fics. Urrgh. Just means that I hate them to the core. Well, they won't get away from my sight like that. So we did crazy stuffs just to know what is happening to them. ( I would like to apologize to Joyce for molesting your jacket. It's the only way possible. ^^ ) In the end, we gave up cause they were taking too long. We went inside McDo cause Krista's precious one is there. When we went outside again ( cause we realize that we don't have enough money to even buy fries. ^^ ) I saw them. At first, the scene of him, standing there and smiling, was oh-so dear to me. But when I saw the whole picture, I wish I just went blind.
There with him are the nasty girls. Giggling to each other like a bunch of sluts. It drives me nuts seeing them acting like that. Well anyway, that didn't drive me to the edge yet. I was still fine until that point. But something happened. And this something is not a simple act anymore. And I would happily let all my anger out. :))))
He fucking let those sluts enter his car. Ugggh. You don't know how horrible the scene was for me. I nearly cried out when I saw that, but I can't do that till I'm home. I want to fucking pull those fucking fugly blouses out of that car so it would not be stained by their slutiness. Yes. I know I'm being rude here. But that's just how life goes. Yes. It did break my heart when I saw those girls entering. But that was not the cherry on top.
He was fucking smiling. I have never wished in my life for him to stop smiling than that time. Never. I didn't continue following them cause I know that I would be killing myself if I did. I don't know what will happen tomorrow. I want my last day with him to be fun. But all of it changed with just one single day. And I hate it so much. But I don't care right now. If he wants to do it this way, then fine. At least he'll be happy for long. While I just suffer for one more day. Or will my love for him prevail longer? I really don't know at this point. I'm so clueless and puzzled. I want him, yet, I want to let him go. I'm a bastard for even having high hopes for him. I knew it was impossible to begin with, and my selfish self just won't listen.
I'm sorry, my heart, for making you suffer like this. I'm sorry, my mind, for forcing you to paint pictures of him everytime. I'm sorry, Jet, for bothering you with such feelings. Mianhe.
I guess this could be the day wherein I would totally give up. I want to shed tears, but I can't. Maybe I'm numb, or whatever. What happens tomorrow, will happen. I don't know if I'll change my decision but it is unlikely for that to happen now.
I was unable to accomplish my goal. Because I wanted more than your back. I wanted you.
I realized that I have fallen in love with you from the start. And I'm just messing up with myself, denying these fucking feelings. It'll be hard to forget you when my mind seems to be used to painting your pictures everytime. Hell, I think it even forgot how to draw S and D's pictures whom I have adored for 2 years and counting. You, you just gave me 1 month and less and this is what happens. But I'll try.
This is the end, I guess. I loved you. Please remember that.
JET IS LAHAAAVE now signing off.
When dismissal came, everybody stood up. EXCEPT him and his friends, and the girls that I hate to the point that I hate them more that peas+cockroach+straight fics. Urrgh. Just means that I hate them to the core. Well, they won't get away from my sight like that. So we did crazy stuffs just to know what is happening to them. ( I would like to apologize to Joyce for molesting your jacket. It's the only way possible. ^^ ) In the end, we gave up cause they were taking too long. We went inside McDo cause Krista's precious one is there. When we went outside again ( cause we realize that we don't have enough money to even buy fries. ^^ ) I saw them. At first, the scene of him, standing there and smiling, was oh-so dear to me. But when I saw the whole picture, I wish I just went blind.
There with him are the nasty girls. Giggling to each other like a bunch of sluts. It drives me nuts seeing them acting like that. Well anyway, that didn't drive me to the edge yet. I was still fine until that point. But something happened. And this something is not a simple act anymore. And I would happily let all my anger out. :))))
He fucking let those sluts enter his car. Ugggh. You don't know how horrible the scene was for me. I nearly cried out when I saw that, but I can't do that till I'm home. I want to fucking pull those fucking fugly blouses out of that car so it would not be stained by their slutiness. Yes. I know I'm being rude here. But that's just how life goes. Yes. It did break my heart when I saw those girls entering. But that was not the cherry on top.
He was fucking smiling. I have never wished in my life for him to stop smiling than that time. Never. I didn't continue following them cause I know that I would be killing myself if I did. I don't know what will happen tomorrow. I want my last day with him to be fun. But all of it changed with just one single day. And I hate it so much. But I don't care right now. If he wants to do it this way, then fine. At least he'll be happy for long. While I just suffer for one more day. Or will my love for him prevail longer? I really don't know at this point. I'm so clueless and puzzled. I want him, yet, I want to let him go. I'm a bastard for even having high hopes for him. I knew it was impossible to begin with, and my selfish self just won't listen.
I'm sorry, my heart, for making you suffer like this. I'm sorry, my mind, for forcing you to paint pictures of him everytime. I'm sorry, Jet, for bothering you with such feelings. Mianhe.
I guess this could be the day wherein I would totally give up. I want to shed tears, but I can't. Maybe I'm numb, or whatever. What happens tomorrow, will happen. I don't know if I'll change my decision but it is unlikely for that to happen now.
I was unable to accomplish my goal. Because I wanted more than your back. I wanted you.
I realized that I have fallen in love with you from the start. And I'm just messing up with myself, denying these fucking feelings. It'll be hard to forget you when my mind seems to be used to painting your pictures everytime. Hell, I think it even forgot how to draw S and D's pictures whom I have adored for 2 years and counting. You, you just gave me 1 month and less and this is what happens. But I'll try.
This is the end, I guess. I loved you. Please remember that.
JET IS LAHAAAVE now signing off.
Friday, May 29, 2009